


The Prophet of the Lord Gets Shit Done (with some slight demonic assistance)

by tabulaxrasa



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU season 9, Cockblock!Sam, Fluff, Humor, Kevin POV, Kevin Ships It, M/M, bunkerfic, interrupting moose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-16
Updated: 2014-09-16
Packaged: 2018-02-17 14:52:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2313509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tabulaxrasa/pseuds/tabulaxrasa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The levels of pining in the bunker are getting ridiculous. Someone has to do something.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Prophet of the Lord Gets Shit Done (with some slight demonic assistance)

**Author's Note:**

> I know there are about 200 of these out there already, but, um, here's another one? 'Why write angsty plot when you can write ridiculous fluff' is apparently my Supernatural fic philosophy.
> 
> (I totally started this before Season 9 even started. And forgot about it. And found it, and finished it. Forgot about it again. Found it again.)

Kevin took one step into the study, got a good look at what was going on, and backed out double time. He hovered just out of sight by the side of the doorway and craned his head to listen, but it didn't seem like he'd been noticed.

Etta James was still singing, her voice smokey and warm on the record, and underneath it was the much less distinct sound of Dean murmuring, explaining something to Cas. From what Kevin had seen, they'd been sitting on the floor in front of the record player, close together, of course, and Dean had definitely been…listing in Cas's direction. If Dean was finally putting the moves on Cas, Kevin wanted to know, as a matter of general interest, but he definitely didn't want any details. And he really didn't want to interrupt; as big as the bunker was, the levels of pining in it were getting ridiculous.

"Hey," Sam wasn't shouting but he was still loud, and Kevin jumped. "What are you doing?"

"Not going in," Kevin said. Sam was smart, he'd get the hint, right?

Sam frowned, and looked inside. "Hey, what are you guys doing?" And he walked right in.

"Uh, nothing," he heard Dean say, and Kevin didn't need to look to know Dean was putting some space between him and his fallen angel. "Just, uh, educating Cas about good music."

Kevin winced. "Really?" he muttered. "Seriously?"

 

Dean was "teaching" Castiel "how to make pizza", and Kevin tried to head Sam off at the doorway of the kitchen, but Sam insisted on going in to get a beer before coming to help Kevin with his research. And wow, Dean could move fast when he though his little brother was going to catch him trying to feel up a dude.

Cas was looking more and more depressed every time something like this happened, and he was moping around making huge tragic eyes in Dean's direction. Dean was getting twitchier and twitchier, jumping every time Sam said anything. 

And somehow, Sam remained oblivious.

Even for the Winchesters, it was ridiculous.

 

Kevin and Sam were in the kitchen when Dean stuck his head in, keys dangling conspicuously from his finger. "'M gonna take Cas on a drive," he said. He wouldn't meet anyone's eye, and he was mumbling.

"Godspeed," Kevin said under his breath.

Sam frowned. "Is that a good idea? Where are you going?"

_Oh my God shut up,_ Kevin thought. The answer was so obviously _anywhere we can make out_ that Dean was scrambling for something to say.

"We're not going far," Dean said, already defensive. "Just, like…around. He needs some fresh air."

"Maybe we should all go," Sam said. "It would be safer."

Kevin really did not want to go parking with Dean and Castiel.

"No," he said.

Sam gave Kevin a betrayed, annoyed look and Kevin was so done with this. "What? I'm sure they'll be fine!"

Sam was apparently done with Kevin, too. He turned his bitchface back to Dean. "I'll go with you, then."

Dean's face was clearly a giant NO but it seemed he just couldn't bring himself to say it to his little brother. For fuck's sake.

"You should stay here," Dean finally said instead. "You don't have to come. We're not doing anything!"

"Not if Sam's going," Kevin muttered. But the Winchesters were in it, now, and he might as well not be there.

"If anyone or anything finds you while you're out just messing around…"

"We can take care of it." Dean was getting aggressively defensive. This was going to end well.

"I'm just saying it's a pointless risk—"

"We can take care of ourselves for an hour, Sam!"

"You're the one who's so worried about the other angels finding Cas—"

In the end Dean threw his keys down on the counter and shouted "Fine! Never mind."

Kevin was so done with everyone.

 

"I am so done with everyone."

"And I thought Moose was supposed to be the smart one."

"Right? But he just keeps cockblocking and I don't get why. I guess Sam really just doesn't know what he's doing? And I can't believe you are the only person I can talk to about this." Kevin really needed to get Charlie's email.

"Well," said Crowley, "either the Winchester brothers have reached frightening new levels of codependence, or…sometimes you get so used to seeing people a certain way you can't see when they've changed."

Kevin stared at him. "How much of Sam's spell worked on you?"

"None. Shut up."

Kevin let his head thunk back against the wall. "Whatever, I don't care about your problems. I'm just tired of all the tension."

"Fine," Crowley said. "So if Sammy keeps making a nuisance of himself when he finds Dean and Cas in the bunker, and Dean's becoming too paranoid about it to try anything, get them out of the bunker."

"Dude, I just told you about the bitchfit Sam threw when Dean and Cas tried to go out."

"Ah, but his objection was that it was pointless. Send them out on a case."

"That could end so badly."

Crowley gave him a condescending look that was slightly different than his usual condescending look.

"Unless it was a fake case…"

"There we go."

 

Kevin hesitated to take Crowley's advice on anything, but it did seem like the best plan. Either Dean and Cas had to leave the bunker or Sam did, and Kevin didn't think there was any way he and Sam could go out on a case (nor did he want to). But Dean and Cas…they'd worked cases together in the past. It made sense. 

Especially if it was a fake case, and it just turned into a few nights away. Dean and Cas could relax and do…whatever, and once they'd taken the apparently scary step of admitting they liked each other, they could return home and just sort of…continue. And that was as much as Kevin wanted to think about that.

 

"No, no, I've been looking into it. On my own. And like…I think someone should check it out." He tried to put on a 'I am a prophet of the LORD, listen to me' face but he seemed to have missed that part of revelation training. Oh right, because there wasn't any training.

"I don't see how—" Kevin stomped on Cas's foot. Cas shut up and jerked his foot away, giving Kevin a very narrow-eyed look in return.

"Look, even if it's nothing, it'll just take three days to check out. Three days is nothing— Sam and I can definitely manage here. We'll be busy with research."

"Wouldn't I be more helpful in researching?" Cas asked. He was careful to keep his feet away. 

"No," Kevin said. He ignored Cas's hurt face because seriously, he was trying to get the guy laid here. "I think you guys should go check it out. On your own. For three days. Alone."

Watching the penny finally drop was really satisfying. Cas was still staring at him with a full-on angel head tilt, but Dean was kind of gaping, with enlightenment in his eyes.

"Right! Okay. Well." Dean was kind of blushing and now wouldn't meet Kevin's eye, and Kevin was going to hold this over him _forever_. Dean cleared his throat. "Yeah, sounds good. Come on Cas, let's get ready to go."

"Wait, why are Dean and Cas going to check this out?" Sam said, _of course,_ when they told him. "Shouldn't I go?"

"I need your help with research," Kevin said quickly.

"Wouldn't Cas—"

"Cas can't use a computer!"

Either Cas had caught on, Dean had explained, or he just didn't care about being called a luddite, because he didn't glare or look in the slightest hurt or annoyed.

"It will be a good training case for me," Cas said. And he was poker facing the shit out of it, so maybe he just didn't care what Kevin said, even though Kevin had totally seen him use a computer before.

Sam eyed the three of them, bitchface ready to go. "What's going on?"

"Nothing's going on, Sammy!" Dean said. "Kev needs you more than we do on this, that's all."

"Because I feel fine," Sam said.

"Yeah yeah, you run eight miles every day," Dean said. "Look, Cas needs the practice, Kevin needs your help, we'll be in and out. Three days. Four tops. It makes sense to do it this way, 's all."

God-he-was-supposed-to-be-the-spokesman-for-but-didn't-really-give-a-shit-about-or-even-believe-in-that-much help him, if Sam found a way to mess this up, Kevin was going to let Crowley loose and just to hell with everything.

"Fine," Sam said. "Are you sure—"

"YES," said everyone except Sam.

This didn't do much to make Sam less suspicious. Kevin wondered how he'd gotten stuck with these people for family, and why Dean didn't just tell Sam what was obvious to everyone in Heaven, Hell, and Purgatory: he wanted to bone Cas, please get out of the way.

"Fine!" Sam threw up his hands, and for supposedly badass hunters, the Winchesters were such drama queens. "Just remember that if angels or demons or Abbadon or whatever shows up, we can't help you."

"If we need help with _research_ we know who to call!" Dean shouted at Sam's retreating back. It took approximately ten seconds for Dean to start looking guilty, and then three more seconds for the stubbornness to kick in.

"Fine, whatever," Dean muttered. He muttered some more under his breath as he grabbed his bag. "Come on, Cas. Daylight's burning." He seemed to have forgotten this wasn't a real case.

Cas followed obediently, but glanced back at Kevin, who mouthed "Good luck" at him. He hadn't intended to let Dean and Cas go without a fair amount of teasing and innuendo, but he was so sick of all of it, he just wanted to not see anyone for a few days. The door of the bunker slammed and Kevin took a long sip of his lukewarm tea. Finally, peace and fucking quiet.

 

Unlike literally everyone else who lived in the bunker, Kevin was not that big on keeping secrets. "So dude," he said when he found Sam scrounging leftovers in the kitchen that night. "What exactly is your problem with Dean and Cas…uh, going hunting?"

Sam sighed and threw down the slice of pizza he'd been working on, which was not cool because Kevin totally would have eaten that.

"Dean's been weird lately, you must have noticed it." At least Sam noticed _something_. "I just don't get why he's been so paranoid about letting anyone out and now, all of the sudden, he's obsessed with going out for no reason. I get that he's feeling cooped up, but it's reckless for him to risk Cas— and make it more dangerous for himself by dragging Cas around. Not to mention why he thinks it's such a good idea to take Cas out on his first de-mojo'd case without any backup. And I know you found the case and all, Kev, but something about it just seems fishy. Dean just won't _listen_ —"

"Sam— it's _not_ a real case."

"What?"

"I made it up."

"K-Kevin! Why the hell did you do that?"

"I actually felt bad for them and wanted to help out. Also, I couldn't stand the freaking pining anymore."

Sam looked massively confused, and it was actually pretty funny. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Dean's been trying to get in Cas's pants since the second he walked back in the bunker. And before that, I'm pretty sure. Anyway, man, you have been the worst cockblock ever."

Sam looked both fascinated and revolted, which was actually a look he wore a lot. "What?"

"Yeah, Dean and Cas totally went on a fake case so they could hook up. Please don't make me say it again. Ever."

Sam was making a _face_ , and Kevin was really doing the world a disservice by not taking a picture of it. "Dude, are you okay?"

"Dean…and Cas? Are…really?"

"That was the idea."

"This isn't a joke, is it?"

"It better not be, after all this bullshit."

"But, I mean…" Sam fumbled his way into a chair, and Kevin manfully did not laugh. "I mean, I used to tease Dean about compensating by being overly heterosexual but…"

Kevin shrugged. "He just had to meet the right angel, I guess. I mean, I never knew Dean before he met Cas, but... Are you really that shocked? Cause, no offense man, but you're the only being in the universe who is."

"Not…shocked." Sam still looked a little shocked, Kevin thought, but it was easing into thoughtfulness. "Surprised, maybe. It's hard to tell with Cas, because he's just so…Cas, but I never thought Dean would…let himself, I guess. I knew they loved each other, I just didn't know they…love each other." And then Sam smiled the sort of gooey smile Dean would punch him for.

Kevin sighed in relief. "So you'll stop cockblocking them now, right?"

Kevin watched Sam review the past couple weeks, which ended in a groan and a major face palm. "Yep," Kevin said.

"Crap," Sam sighed. 

"Well, I'm glad this is over with," Kevin said. "And we never have to talk about it again, until Dean and Cas get back from the honeymoon and we mock them forever."

Sam beamed. "Forever."

"Cool," Kevin said. "So, we don't actually have any pressing research, so I'm going to go play GTA V."

"Awesome." Sam looked a little shell shocked still, so Kevin left him to process and went to fire up the XBox.

"And that, bitches," Kevin whispered, "is how the Prophet of the Lord gets shit done."


End file.
